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PARASITIC, OR STUPID ASSHOLES DYING HORRIBLY DUE TO A COMBINATION OF SPACE PARASITES AND THEMSELVES BEING STUPID, STUPID ASSHOLES

Alright, let’s start this blog off right, with a recent shitty movie: Parasitic. First off: do not pay to see this movie. I’m still trying to get Netflix to reimburse me for inflicting this on me. I don’t care if you see it lying in a clearance bin for a dollar at your local Fuckington’s, tantalizing you with its false promise of a shark-jawed grey woman with tentacles coming out of her ear.Image

Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Hell, I don’t even think she’s in this movie at all. It’s hard to tell though, as the main “characters” (and I do use the term loosely) are so bland and uninteresting that they’re essentially a formless, shapeless mass of human garbage, which incidentally would make for a MUCH better movie. And do note that I don’t use the word “protagonists” at any time while discussing this alleged movie, as the connotations of said word paint them in an almost positive light, which simply won’t do for these irredeemable assholes; but I digress. As boring and forgettable as the characters are( I literally cannot remember their names, nor do I give enough of a fuck to watch again and find out, because this movie hurts me), I’ll try to lay them out for you here. We’ve got the bitchtacular slutty one; the-slightly-less-bitchy-but-still-slutty one; the one who isn’t really a slut at all, but is still rather bitchy; two ambiguously gay black security guards who are really trying far too hard when they talk about wanting to fuck women; a douchey hipster; a fat lazy pigfucker who spouts off obnoxious pop culture references; and finally, a horny couple who get knocked off in the middle of getting off. Right, got all that? Good, I can go back to not giving a fuck.

So the movie opens with a shot of a terrible CGI meteor(how original) crashing into a bay, followed by a cut to one week later as a package of fish coated in green slime arrives at a fast-food sushi place. In the only scene in this movie that is grounded in reality, the grungy looking white guy making the sushi drops the fish on the floor, picks it up, and proceeds to use it anyway. You know what, fuck it. That’s where the parasites came from. Not the fucking meteor, like the opening shows, but from a dirty kitchen floor.

I like my interpretation better anyway.

We then cut to a nightclub, where hipster douche has delivered the sushi, which, again, is coated in green slime, to Slutzilla McBitchface, clearly hoping to get in her pants, and getting shot down; I’ll just let you know right now, that’s his entire subplot, trying to get laid, and it ends with him lighting himself on fire in a walk-in freezer(he’s kind of a dumbass). There. Aren’t you glad you were told that? Doesn’t this character just add so much to the plot(what little there is)? Anyways, despite looking at the sushi and seeing the aforementioned GREEN FUCKING SLIME, Slutzilla decides to eat it anyway. We’re then introduced to the rest of the moving standees, and since we already went over which barely animate block of wood was which, I’m going to skip that.

Basically, it’s closing time at the club, and everyone wants to leave, but Slutzilla gets sick from the sushi(big shock; it’s almost as if eating green sushi that isn’t normally green is a bad idea), and as it turns out she’s the manager, and has the only key to the building, so no one can leave. Meanwhile, she’s in the bathroom horking up green slime with blood in it, and not wanting to ruin her pretty clothes, so she takes her top off, which naturally leads to her taking her bra off after a GIANT FUCKING PENIS-WORM explodes out of her throat. Fun fact: she reacts to her throat ballooning up and exploding rather, uh, interestingly, if you know what I mean. I’m going to assume this all is supposed to be titillating, but may I remind you that she is COVERED IN GREEN SLIME AND HAS A PHALLUS-ANNELID IN HER NECK.Image

She then spends the rest of the movie going around topless, using her gulletworm’s spear-tentacles to inject the other assholes with space parasite larvae, at which point this becomes a standard zombie flick, albeit one with an extraordinarily small cast.

Read that last sentence and see if you can see what’s wrong with this movie.

The rest of the movie consists of everyone dying or getting turned, save for Non-Slutty Bitch, because, as I said, they are all a bunch of stupid, egocentric, stupid, horny, lazy, stupid assholes. Did I mention that they’re stupid? Special genius points go to Slightly-Less-Slutty Bitch who goes into the bathroom where Slutzilla was puking earlier. She finds her boss’s clothes in a pile of the bloody slime coating the entire john, and an airvent busted open, and her first thought is that Slutzilla is crawling around the vents, topless and drunk, and this doesn’t bother her in any way. An honorable mention goes to Hipster Douche, who before going all “Come On Baby Light My Fire”, finds some alien slime in the freezer and licks it.

I initially thought that the cast was entirely comprised of amateur porn actors, until I saw during the credits that the actors playing the horny couple having sex in bondage masks are different than the ones playing them at the beginning of the movie. Which I guess would mean that neither on was willing to get naked on camera, if not for the fact that the masked actors had their pants on the whole time.

So the climax is basically the surviving jackasses (I’d say who, but really, does anyone give half a fuck?) barricade themselves in the club’s foyer till morning, when the not-zombies attack. Suddenly Non-Slut, who up till now has been just as stupid and useless as her cohorts, grows a pair, becoming the closest thing this shitpile has to a-ugh- protagonist, and uses a bat to smash away the worm queen in Slutzilla, seemingly killing it and the not-zombies. However, the Queen worm splats out a little maggot thing that scuttles off. We then cut to later in the day, when the owner of the club (actually played by and named after the woman who owns the club they filmed at) comes in and finds the place abandoned, save for a bathroom, with a sink full of bones and viscera; with Non-Slut cowering in the corner, who warns the owner not to look behind her, and she sees this:Image

She then proceeds to piss herself.

Thankfully, the movie ends on a happy note, as the creature prepares to eat the two survivors, with similar events presumably taking place all around town, possibly (and preferably) even the world. After all, any world that spawned these shit-weasels deserves to die.

Now, what did I think of the movie, in the end? Well, to quote the esteemed Harlan Ellison,
“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”

Except in my case, you can replace the word “humans” with “this goddamn fucking movie”. Almost everything about this movie fails on very nearly every level; the only slightly redeeming quality it has is the passable quality of the creature effects, but even that, in and of itself is part of the problem. See, this is director Tim Martin’s first outing at the helm of a movie, having previously worked on the SFX crew for quite a few movies, some of them pretty good; check his IMDB page if you don’t believe me. But sadly, that doesn’t mean he’s any good as a director. Nor, as it turns out, as a writer, as he’s credited for doing that too. And I’ve already commented on how bad the acting is (although to be fair, it’s not Birdemic-level bad, which might have actually helped this movie), but even the best actors will suffer the effects of a shit script. All that aside, the camerawork is shoddy, giving everything a blurry, grainy look, and the audio balance is shit too. We all know that some movies are so bad they’re good- but this sure as shit ain’t one of ‘em.

 

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