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V/H/S? MORE LIKE P/O/S.

Sorry this one was little late, anyone who actually gives a fuck.

When you see a movie that you already know is going to suck, and it does, you aren’t disappointed by it. Sure, it can be that special kind of awful that just makes you pissed off about its general existence, but you expected it to be shit anyway, so whatever. But what about when a movie’s inherent terribleness surprises you? What if it’s marketed in such a way that it looks like it’s interesting, maybe even entertaining?

Well, that’s why V/H/S pissed me off. See, if you’ve seen the trailer, and given the fact that they marketed the fuck out of this turdfest, you no doubt have. You probably thought it looked cool, maybe even scary, which is a rare sight indeed in modern horror movies. Here’s the thing, though:

This movie kind of sucks ass.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not absolutely unwatchable. I suppose it might even be entertaining, if you are of a certain mindset (read: stupid). But if you go into it expecting a serious horror movie, you will almost certainly be disappointed.  And the major reason for that is the trailer, which pretty much consists of scary shit on camera, and doesn’t really tell you what the movie is about.

So let’s rectify that.

V/H/S is essentially an anthology film, in the vein of Creepshow, but focused entirely on found-footage movies. Like any anthology movie, there is an overarching framing device: in this case, a bunch of rapist assholes that’ve been hired to break into a house and steal a specific tape, despite having no fucking clue what the tape they’re supposed to take. Of course, the fuckwit that hired didn’t tell these MENSA candidates  exactly what they were looking for.

So they go in, find a corpse and a bunch of tapes, and I think start watching them, the movie’s kinda vague on that detail. Oh and there’s a plot interwoven between segments about the corpse running around and murdering the fuck out of them, but who really cares? IT’s a found-footage flick, they were gonna die anyway.

The first subject is about a bunch of douchebags trying to make an amateur porno, which involves sticking the least dickish of the bunch  in pair of ordinary glasses that somehow record sound and audio, despite not being hooked up to anything. Oh, and judging by the title of the movie, must be connected to a VCR somewhere. Whatever.

So they go back to a motel with two girls they picked up at a bar: a blonde who is drunk off her ass, and this… thing, whose only real line is “I like you.”

 

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That is actually the scariest fucking thing in the movie. So they try to fuck her, all except for POV jackass, who hides in the bathroom and for good reason: after she gets naked, she fucking EATS the other two assholes. Sure, they were a bit molest-y, but still, what the fuck. Specs then runs out, down the stairs, and ends up falling and breaking his arm. At least, to its credit, the movie has good gore effects, what with the scene of the two douchebags getting eaten(and the lovely blood spatters all over the room), and it doesn’t end with those scenes.

The she-thing proceeds to come down and suck him off, and, oh yeah, did I mention she looks like this at the time?

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Upon realizing that Specs “No like”, as she so eloquently puts it, she breaks down sobbing, and Specs makes a break for it. He doesn’t get far before we hear a loud screech, and something lifts him up into the air. It turns out the creepy bitch is actually a bat-person.

Of course she fucking is.

The next segment is about a couple who went out west on their second honeymoon. This one seems to be the odd one out, as the other segments have a paranormal touch to them, but this one doesn’t, unless you count a possibly-eerily-accurate fortune telling machine, which says that the wife is going to reunite with a loved one. Very little actually happens in this one, but I’ll make it straightforward as possible: husband is a pushy douche, wife is a passive aggressive bitch. A woman asks them or a ride, but they say know. In the middle of the night, someone come into their room, films them, steals a hundred bucks, and oh yeah, strokes wifey’s ass with a knife. The next night, said person comes in, slices husbands throat, ten goes into the bathroom, and takes off a mask revealing a woman who then proceeds to make out with the wife and then they drive off together.

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Woo.

The third segment is about a bitch who brings her asshole friends to a lake that she supposedly goes to every summer, except she doesn’t. She tells them a story about how a serial killer murdered a bunch of kids a few years before but was never found. After said serial killer murders a few people, we find out the teenagers he killed were actually the bitch’s friends, and she brought this new batch down to act as bait, so she can kill the motherfucker. I know I said that all the stories but the second one have a paranormal bent to them, and this one, despite being about a serial killer, seeing as said killer always appears glitched when being filmed, and manages to survive this shit:

 

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He then proceeds to disembowel her, in another excellent display of gore, and the tape ends on her corpse spasming on the ground with her intestines hanging out.

I’m not going to lie. The fourth tape pissed me off a bit, due to the absolutely fucktarded twist. See, it’s about college student Emily, who’s Skyping with her med student boyfriend about how she thinks her dorm is haunted, and her arm being swollen and painful. During one of their conversations, we see a child in what looks like rain gear run in and out, slamming her door. Boyfriend helpfully suggested it was possibly the wind.

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It turns out her landlord dispels her entirely reasonable assumption that a child’s ghost is haunting the dorm by telling her that no children have ever lived there, and you can guess the twist now can’t you?

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That’s right, the fucking cheapest looking aliens ever, who then proceeds to knock her out.

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And since we clearly see that she’s lying on her stomach, that must mean that her back is pregnant, as her boyfriend, who’s supposed to be in Michigan, comes in, slices her back open, and pulls out Dave Bowman(please tell me you get that joke). It turns out that Dr. Boyfriend is in league with the aliens, who are using her in incubate hybrid space-fetuses(feti?), and the thing in her arm is a tracking device. He makes it look like she ran into traffic, and we then cut to the next day, when Emily is all bruised up and wearing a sling, and tells boyfriend that she’s been diagnosed(by one of boyfriend’s friends) as schizoaffective, and breaks up with him so he can be with someone “normal” and signs off. The pigfucker then opens up another chat window, with the woman on the screen bitching about her arm hurting.

Dun DUN DUN!!!

The final story focuses on four asshats on Halloween night, 1998, and hinges entirely on the improbable fact that one shithead dressed up as a teddy bear, which is actually a nannycam, with a working camera. Who the fuck even does that!?!

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Anyways, these four shitheads get lost on their way to a party, and wind up at what they think is a haunted house set up for the party, what with  the spooky shit happening to them, but, big surprise, totally fucking isn’t. In the attic they interrupt the exorcism of a young woman, and when it turns out that the people in the attic aren’t fucking acting, they decide to save the woman. They free her from the ropes she’s tied up with, and make their escape, despite dishes flying around, windows sealing shut, doorknobs disappearing, and arms literally growing from the goddamn walls to stop them.

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They manage to escape through the basement, and they even manage to drive away, only for their car to stop working on a set of train tracks. And, wouldn’t you just fucking know it, bitch actually is possessed, and teleports out of the car, and leaves them to get pancaked by an oncoming train, as the assholes can’t open the door, and like with the first one, I honestly have no fucking clue how the old guy got this fucking tape. Apparently the DVD has an alternate ending where they survive, but who the fuck wants to see that?

After that, it’s just the title and five minutes of credits over various scenes from the movie, including the initial rape scene. Did I forget to mention that?

In summation, the movie sucked. Not as badly as Parasitic, but still pretty bad. It’s just more proof as to why you shouldn’t trust movies that are hyped up like this shit; it’s never as good as you think it’s gonna be. But if you’re into gore effects, or if what I just described interests you, well knock yourself the fuck out. Don’t blame me if you hate it though.

Oh well, at least I only have one more of these fucking things to go before it’s back to regular old shitty movies. Toodles.

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