Well, just like the eldritch horrors writhing in the shadows beyond time and space, our pitiful human mouth-words are woefully ill-suited to describe the sheer bugfuck insanity that is Karate-Robo Zaborgar. Like I said before, this one Is really fucking weird. How weird, you may ask?
Before I get into this, I should explain a few things; I’m something of a bit of a tokusatsu freak so as soon as I logged onto Netflix and saw this, I couldn’t help but squeal a bit. You see, this is an adaptation of a 70’s tokusatsu series, Denjin Zaborgar. Now, I haven’t personally seen Denjin Zaborgar, so I can’t speak to its weirdness; but after doing some research, I found out that the entire plot, minus some of the more headfuck-y elements, is pretty much a straight copy-paste job. So, if we keep that in mind, and remember that Seventies toku also gave us this glorious thing, chances are it was pretty goddamn weird.
We open on a shot of our hero, special officer Daimon Yutaka and his slightly ridiculous motorcycle riding off into the darkness.
We then cut to a government building under attack by the eeevvviiilll terrorist organization Sigma and its cyborg army. This little attack force is led by a woman’s flying head, no wait, she has a body. Her name is Miss Borg, and she makes a big show of not liking men. But of course, since this is schlocky and written by a guy, she of course winds up being the love interest.
But anyways, she’s joined in the attack by an army of masked grunts and the imaginatively named Samurai Robot, and yes, that’s that pucker-faced thing from the top of the page. Its job is to suck out the DNA of important people, namely government ministers, to create a giant robot to conquer Japan.
Just as things look bleak Daimon shows up and reveals two things: firstly, that his motorcycle is actually the eponymous Zaborgar, and two he commands it by yelling into a silly looking helmet with a microphone on it. So Zaborgar transforms and proceeds to have an epic battle with the thankfully non-puckered Samurai Robot(seriously, dafuq?) over the title sequence as a seventies-tastic theme song blasts out in the background.
So the battle ends, Miss Borg teleports to Sigma’s flying castle where the other members of Sigma, and oh yeah, Daimon stands there flipping his shit. In the fortress, we’re introduced to the other Sigma generals besides Miss Borg(but they’re kind of useless, so we’ll just ignore them), and then they go all “heil Hitler” on us, and we meet the real villain: some wheelchair-bound shitstain named Dr. Akunomiya, and great now I’m hungry.
After we finish watching the villains being woman-hating asshats, we get some backstory on Daimon. It turns out his mother died in childbirth or some shit, leaving their old as shit father to raise them, which apparently includes nursing the twins, which may or may not be the reason twin brother died; it’s not like the movie gives a fuck, so why should we? And yes we have pictures.You’re welcome.
Anyways, it turns out that Daimon hates Sigma because Akunomiya is the Count Rugen to Daimon’s Inigo Montoya. As a parting gift, Dr. Dad gives Daimon Zaborgar, which admittedly is a pretty fucking awesome inheritance. Daimon then swears vengeance against Sigma, and not just any kind of vengeance, but goddamn VENGEANCE.
Zaborgar tracks Miss Borg with a helicopter launched from his head, and it seems she’s holding a government asshole and his mistress hostage, to melt him down with Sigma’s latest weapon, an acid-spewing robotic humanoid ant with pliers on its face, called the Diarrhea Robot, and I swear to fucking god I’m not making this shit up. Told you.
Anyways Daimon and Zaborgar show up to kick ass, culminating in the Diarrhea Robot shitting itself, when the other Sigma Generals show up to betray Miss Borg. After Daimon kicks their asses, they act like little bitches and send a cyborg truck with a bulldog’s head to kill them. It tries to eat Miss Borg, but Daimon has bikeman save her and kick its ass. Which the robot then proceeds to do. And it is awesome.
However, government douche got injured in the whole clusterfuck, and fires Daimon for it. As he rides off, Miss Borg pulls up on a bird-themed motorcycle that that transforms into a female version of Zaborgar, and they fight. I won’t spoil the glorious insanity of said fight for you, save to say it involves boob missiles. And robotic panty shots.
After that little bit of SUBTLE foreshadowing, we’re introduced to Dr. Okonomiyaki’s latest creations: the Miss Ruggers, cyborg women in football-padded bikinis, and I’m not even surprised anymore, who he sends out to kidnap Japanese leaders, and you know the drill. So when the cops show up to stop them, the Miss Ruggers start flying around, and grow pink Godzilla heads.
From their tits.
And in one case, their ass.
As the cops surround Miss Borg, she gives Daimon the hardest choice a woman can give their boyfriend (or one-time fuck-buddy): his friends(the cops) or her. Since this movie has gone to great lengths to establish that Daimon doesn’t use the right head for much in the way of thinking, you can probably guess which side he chooses.
Zaborgar doesn’t help him fight cops, however, and just starts crying. Pussy. The robot then attacks Borg with a machinegun in its mouth, and they both go all Michael Bay on us. Some weird fleshy egg thing with a fetus in it gets launched out and sucked up to Sigma HQ.
The film then skips ahead a few decades, and we discover that Daimon has become a complete loser. Well, more of a complete loser. He gets fired from his job as the government douche’s chauffeur, because he stopped short so as not to run over an old bat who doesn’t know how crosswalks work. He goes to a bar and sees his old buddies from the force, who have also been reduced to worthless bums, who dole out exposition; it seems that without Daimon and Zaborgar to stop them, Sigma has been abducting people for decades to, I reiterate create a giant robot from their DNA. Hmm. Not so much wat that time. I think I’m adjusting to the insanity.
Anyhoo, it turns out that a young woman with antennae in a silver fuku (because why the fuck not) is escaping from Sigma’s clutches, so Dr. Okonomiyaki sends his top agent, Akitsuki Gen, to track her down by finding Daimon before she does.
This brutal ass-whomping is interrupted when, right the fuck out of nowhere, Mecha Schoolgirl 5000 up and fucking Skull Bashes Gen in the face. It’s super effective! I mean she’s all POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!
She then introduces herself as Akiko-
Sorry, lost the happy, but the happy’s back.
So then she grabs Daimon and flies his decrepit ass back to the cave where he and Miss Borg got freaky(in a more literal sense than most), and you can see where this is headed, can’t you?
Yup, she’s Daimon’s weird-ass cyborg daughter, and she proves it by playing a recording of the whole tentacles thing from Miss Borg’s perspective, and states that she has her other’s eories, and feel free to shudder, I know I did. Can you imagine how fucked up that must be, remembering your parents conceiving you? From one of their points of view? I take it back, I don’t want what Iguchi’s smoking. Oh, and Sigma wants her back so she can be the giant robot thing’s heart or some shit.
So anyways Gen shows up again just to be an asshole, and he brings a rebuilt and evil Zaborgar with him. Zaborgar starts killing Daimon until Akiko knees it’s fucking head off, and reveals that Gen can’t kill Daimon, because he’s their father, not just her father. He counters that she’s full of shit, because he’s completely human, and she tells him the single most fucktarded abortion of genetics I’ve ever heard: they’re fraternal twins, with Akiko being comprised solely of Miss Borg’s cyborg DNA( because apparently that’s a thing), whereas Gen is solely comprised of Daimon’s human DNA.
I actually think that explanation made me dumber. Let’s see, do I still know math? One plus tacos equals pineapple. Yup, still good.
So Dr. Okonomiyaki has a meeting with government douche, who’s been working with Sigma, and reveals two important things: one, Gen really is Daimon’s son, and two, you shouldn’t trust evil scientists because they are fucking evil and will murder your ass, and you already know he was trying to take over the world, so why the fuck are you shocked by this government douche?
Akiko and Daimon bring the wrecked Zaborgar back to Damon’s hobo friends’ place to rebuild it so it can kill her, and there’s a hilarious gag in which the bums think Daimon his having sex with Akiko when she is actually flipping her shit most egregiously and kicking his ass. Get it? It’s funny because she’s his daughter! Oh ha ha ha, movie you so funny.
After that she runs out crying like a dumbass and promptly gets abducted and put in the robot, which Okonomiyaki gets into.
Mecha-Akiko rampages around for a bit, and the hobos end up launching a wheelchair at her with a lit fart. They die on impact. Daimon then rebuilds Zaborgar, and they race off to save the day, fighting off Gen the whole way, even all the way up Mecha-Akiko, who’s fighting off the urge to squash them so Dadmon can stop her.
Inside Mecha-Akiko’s body, Daimon has his epic final battle With Okonomiyaki, who is able to shoot an endless stream of knives from his knee. Just as all seems lost, with Daimon bloody and more full of knives than a goddamn silverware drawer, Gen leaps to his father’s aid, giving Daimon and Zaborgar the chance to Rider Kick Oknomiyaki out of Mecha-Akiko.
He then asplodes.
This causes Akiko to die, and she sees her mother who tells her that she’ll be reborn as a human. Hooray again! After she comes back, she and Gen leave to go travel the world together, and we close on a shot of 90-year-old Daimon riding Zaborgar, who’s been rebuilt as a wheelchair, into the sky.
And that was Karate-Robo Zaborgar. It was strange, to say the least. Sure, it had some pretty major flaws, but it was a pretty fun ride, and it’s a must see for fans of Seventies tokusatsu.
That’s all for now, and next week I hope to return to a regular schedule, starting with the abominable shitfest that is Super Hybrid.