OH GOD WHY DID I WATCH AREA 407

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that this is late.

I’m sorry that I’m not all that funny.

I’m just so, so sorry.

I take it back. I take it ALL back. I thought V/H/S was bad. I thought Monster was bad. But this? This movie… this goddamn movie…

This is Area 407, and it takes terrible to a whole new level. I know you don’t know who I am, and I know you probably don’t care what I have to say, but I’m begging you, please, whatever you do, just don’t watch this fucking movie. I actually feel dead inside for watching it. Well, more dead inside than I already was, and that’s saying something.

Fittingly enough, this movie is about a plane crash, seeing how low watching it has left me. After seeing something like this, I have to ask… why?  Why do I do this to myself? Why do I force myself to watch terrible movies, day in and day out? It’s not like there aren’t good ones available. And it’s not like anyone gives a shit; in the end, I’m basically just whining to thin air.

I’m sorry; I’ll try to keep myself under control.

We open with two teenage girls on a plane headed home on New Year’s Eve, and this where the hate begins to fester. Their names aren’t important, because by the five minute mark you WILL be waiting for something to eat them. Alive.  But, like in any torture worth its salt, death is slow to come, making the agony all the more unbearable. One of them, the one doing the filming, just won’t stop, despite getting dirty looks and making people uncomfortable. What’s worse, she simply will. Not . Shut. The. FUCK. UP.Image

We’re soon introduced to a jaded war photographer who just wants to get away from the violence, and the woman sitting next to him, and OH GOD I’M ONLY TEN MINUTES INTO THIS THING, SOMEONE HELP ME…

Ahem.

Sorry about that.

Anyways, due to jokingly trying to get our intrepid cameratwat to shut up, and (sadly) jokingly threating to break her legs and arms, Mr. Photographer the closest thing to a favorite character I have in this movie.

In a shot that lasts an unbearably long time, the soulless automatons masquerading as people ring in the New Year, just before everything goes to hell. There is some solace in knowing that many of them died quickly in the crash, but we are not so lucky, because the Amazing Dumbass Sisters are still alive, with the more annoying of the two having injured her arm in the crash, leaving her sister to film the unending horror that is this movie. Despite, or perhaps for the fact that her own head is gushing blood, another flesh puppet, possibly the woman who was sitting next the photographer, seems intent on getting the girl medical attention. As Photographer man makes the twat a tourniquet with his own belt, you can clearly see that one extra in the background has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing, a thing that would make me laugh, in a less awful movie.Image

After the flesh mannequin portraying the stewardess tells him what his lines are, he storms of to find his wife, and hopefully find civilization. Suddenly it’s been forty-five minutes, and the people who left, haven’t come back. What’s worse, the writers have no originality, and, as painfully cliché as it is, no one’s phone has any signal.

At this point I should admit I was sort of lying when I said that the movie is about a plane crash; no this movie is actually about the assholes survivors of said crash being stalked by a government experiment.

They spend the next eternity singing goddamn kumbaya around a campfire, by which I of course mean that they shriek obnoxiously at each other, until they hear what is obviously a man screaming in pain, but are too dumb to recognize this fact at first. After everyone but this contrarian fat fuck come to the consensus that the screamer is in fact “human”, they then ignore the clearly audible roaring, and ask the man who is clearly being rent limb from limb, to come to them.

It turns out that the screamer was the asshole who left earlier found the dead bodies of his wife and everyone else, and that “something big”  is out there. In a sterling example of how wonderful these “people” are, Fat Fuck asks the guy, who just found his wife’s mangled corpse, if he found any food. He then spectacularly fails to see why this pisses anyone off.

They go back into the plane for supplies, Fat Fuck acts stupid some more, and oh yeah, the monster was on the plane, and attacks the stewardess. Oh well. The woman next to the photographer turns out to be an Air Marshall, and pulls her gun on the thing, which she later helpfully describes as being “big.”

After we get this startling revelation, the still unseen monster attacks the plane again, causing everyone to run to a nearby abandoned cabin for cover. Gee, I do hope that building up suspense like this until the monster’s reveal is worth it, and that the monster doesn’t look stupid at all.

As it turns out, the monster of the week is actually a pack of shitty looking raptors, but since this is apparently a parallel universe where Jurassic Park doesn’t exist, everyone is too stupid to realize this.Image

So they find some military equipment in the cabin, which is to say, flashlights and a radio, which is exactly what you need when besieged by raptors, and call for help as a jeep drives up, and they start signaling for help like jackasses. A soldier gets out, and drives off either in fear of the raptors, or to let daring jackasses die, and I know that the eeeeeeeeviiiiil military is supposed to be the bad guy in this, but really, ‘m honestly hoping it’s the latter option.

In the chaos that follows, the only competent members of our little adventure party get picked off, leaving only the Intrepid Sisters and Fat Fuck, who skedaddles, only to come back a moment later to help up the younger, twattier one who has fallen, and she can’t get up.

Eventually, they reunite with Photographer and Air Marshall, and we find out that the other guy is dead, and this is terribly devastating, given all the character development he got.

Our merry band of jackasses wanders into an abandoned military base, which they seem to think is a town, and despite her bleeding arm and injured ankle, Twatty the Younger charges ahead, screaming hello like an idiot, and God DAMN do I hate this movie. Oh well, it’s almost over.

After going into another cabin and finding a radio, they manage to get in touch with someone who tells them that if they want to be rescued, their only hope is to go back to the wreckage, find the emergency flare gun and fire it into the sky so they can be found, while BEING CHASED BY FUCKING RAPTORS. Meanwhile, he closest thing they’ve got to a map is a functionally retarded thirteen-year-old navigating by what she thinks is the North Star.Image

Along the road to the plane, Photographer gets sick and horks up a bunch of eggs, revealing himself as a replicant and… no, sorry, my bad. Apparently these are SPESHUL raptors that can inject you with eggs by biting you. I especially like how said eggs wound up in his gut despite the fact that he was bitten on his leg.

Eventually the idiots find the jeep from earlier, and commandeer it, only to be stopped by raptors. Photographer, deciding that he’s boned anyway, decides to lead the lizards away, but much like everyone else in this movie, comes back just in time for Twatty the Elder to run over Air Marshall with the jeep.

After they get back to the plane and Photographer fires off a flare, he predictably gets nommed, and since I forgot about Fat Fuck getting killed earlier, this means The Twatty Twins are on their own, and with less than ten minutes left in a found footage movie, are most likely going to die. So it’s not all bad I suppose.

It looks like I’m wrong as they manage to survive till morning when  a guy driving down the road to a secret military base – seriously, did that not raise any red flags for these two- picks them up, and after making sure they’re the only survivors, shoots them, and reveals he’s a big bad military man, and that them being dead means everything is code green. Unfortunately for him-and the audience- karma is paying attention, and sends a raptor to eat him. Yaaaayyyyyyyyy.

And with that, this clusterfuck is finally over. No more found footage movies for me, not for a while anyway. I know this one didn’t seem too bad, the way I described it, but trust me, it was worse. It was terrible. It was just so… just so…

Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. I need a break from shitty movies, so next time, we’re taking a movie that isn’t bad, per se, but it is really, really goddamn weird.Image

Tune in Wednesday for a… CHANGE… in our usual fare.

V/H/S? MORE LIKE P/O/S.

Sorry this one was little late, anyone who actually gives a fuck.

When you see a movie that you already know is going to suck, and it does, you aren’t disappointed by it. Sure, it can be that special kind of awful that just makes you pissed off about its general existence, but you expected it to be shit anyway, so whatever. But what about when a movie’s inherent terribleness surprises you? What if it’s marketed in such a way that it looks like it’s interesting, maybe even entertaining?

Well, that’s why V/H/S pissed me off. See, if you’ve seen the trailer, and given the fact that they marketed the fuck out of this turdfest, you no doubt have. You probably thought it looked cool, maybe even scary, which is a rare sight indeed in modern horror movies. Here’s the thing, though:

This movie kind of sucks ass.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not absolutely unwatchable. I suppose it might even be entertaining, if you are of a certain mindset (read: stupid). But if you go into it expecting a serious horror movie, you will almost certainly be disappointed.  And the major reason for that is the trailer, which pretty much consists of scary shit on camera, and doesn’t really tell you what the movie is about.

So let’s rectify that.

V/H/S is essentially an anthology film, in the vein of Creepshow, but focused entirely on found-footage movies. Like any anthology movie, there is an overarching framing device: in this case, a bunch of rapist assholes that’ve been hired to break into a house and steal a specific tape, despite having no fucking clue what the tape they’re supposed to take. Of course, the fuckwit that hired didn’t tell these MENSA candidates  exactly what they were looking for.

So they go in, find a corpse and a bunch of tapes, and I think start watching them, the movie’s kinda vague on that detail. Oh and there’s a plot interwoven between segments about the corpse running around and murdering the fuck out of them, but who really cares? IT’s a found-footage flick, they were gonna die anyway.

The first subject is about a bunch of douchebags trying to make an amateur porno, which involves sticking the least dickish of the bunch  in pair of ordinary glasses that somehow record sound and audio, despite not being hooked up to anything. Oh, and judging by the title of the movie, must be connected to a VCR somewhere. Whatever.

So they go back to a motel with two girls they picked up at a bar: a blonde who is drunk off her ass, and this… thing, whose only real line is “I like you.”

 

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That is actually the scariest fucking thing in the movie. So they try to fuck her, all except for POV jackass, who hides in the bathroom and for good reason: after she gets naked, she fucking EATS the other two assholes. Sure, they were a bit molest-y, but still, what the fuck. Specs then runs out, down the stairs, and ends up falling and breaking his arm. At least, to its credit, the movie has good gore effects, what with the scene of the two douchebags getting eaten(and the lovely blood spatters all over the room), and it doesn’t end with those scenes.

The she-thing proceeds to come down and suck him off, and, oh yeah, did I mention she looks like this at the time?

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Upon realizing that Specs “No like”, as she so eloquently puts it, she breaks down sobbing, and Specs makes a break for it. He doesn’t get far before we hear a loud screech, and something lifts him up into the air. It turns out the creepy bitch is actually a bat-person.

Of course she fucking is.

The next segment is about a couple who went out west on their second honeymoon. This one seems to be the odd one out, as the other segments have a paranormal touch to them, but this one doesn’t, unless you count a possibly-eerily-accurate fortune telling machine, which says that the wife is going to reunite with a loved one. Very little actually happens in this one, but I’ll make it straightforward as possible: husband is a pushy douche, wife is a passive aggressive bitch. A woman asks them or a ride, but they say know. In the middle of the night, someone come into their room, films them, steals a hundred bucks, and oh yeah, strokes wifey’s ass with a knife. The next night, said person comes in, slices husbands throat, ten goes into the bathroom, and takes off a mask revealing a woman who then proceeds to make out with the wife and then they drive off together.

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Woo.

The third segment is about a bitch who brings her asshole friends to a lake that she supposedly goes to every summer, except she doesn’t. She tells them a story about how a serial killer murdered a bunch of kids a few years before but was never found. After said serial killer murders a few people, we find out the teenagers he killed were actually the bitch’s friends, and she brought this new batch down to act as bait, so she can kill the motherfucker. I know I said that all the stories but the second one have a paranormal bent to them, and this one, despite being about a serial killer, seeing as said killer always appears glitched when being filmed, and manages to survive this shit:

 

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He then proceeds to disembowel her, in another excellent display of gore, and the tape ends on her corpse spasming on the ground with her intestines hanging out.

I’m not going to lie. The fourth tape pissed me off a bit, due to the absolutely fucktarded twist. See, it’s about college student Emily, who’s Skyping with her med student boyfriend about how she thinks her dorm is haunted, and her arm being swollen and painful. During one of their conversations, we see a child in what looks like rain gear run in and out, slamming her door. Boyfriend helpfully suggested it was possibly the wind.

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It turns out her landlord dispels her entirely reasonable assumption that a child’s ghost is haunting the dorm by telling her that no children have ever lived there, and you can guess the twist now can’t you?

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That’s right, the fucking cheapest looking aliens ever, who then proceeds to knock her out.

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And since we clearly see that she’s lying on her stomach, that must mean that her back is pregnant, as her boyfriend, who’s supposed to be in Michigan, comes in, slices her back open, and pulls out Dave Bowman(please tell me you get that joke). It turns out that Dr. Boyfriend is in league with the aliens, who are using her in incubate hybrid space-fetuses(feti?), and the thing in her arm is a tracking device. He makes it look like she ran into traffic, and we then cut to the next day, when Emily is all bruised up and wearing a sling, and tells boyfriend that she’s been diagnosed(by one of boyfriend’s friends) as schizoaffective, and breaks up with him so he can be with someone “normal” and signs off. The pigfucker then opens up another chat window, with the woman on the screen bitching about her arm hurting.

Dun DUN DUN!!!

The final story focuses on four asshats on Halloween night, 1998, and hinges entirely on the improbable fact that one shithead dressed up as a teddy bear, which is actually a nannycam, with a working camera. Who the fuck even does that!?!

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Anyways, these four shitheads get lost on their way to a party, and wind up at what they think is a haunted house set up for the party, what with  the spooky shit happening to them, but, big surprise, totally fucking isn’t. In the attic they interrupt the exorcism of a young woman, and when it turns out that the people in the attic aren’t fucking acting, they decide to save the woman. They free her from the ropes she’s tied up with, and make their escape, despite dishes flying around, windows sealing shut, doorknobs disappearing, and arms literally growing from the goddamn walls to stop them.

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They manage to escape through the basement, and they even manage to drive away, only for their car to stop working on a set of train tracks. And, wouldn’t you just fucking know it, bitch actually is possessed, and teleports out of the car, and leaves them to get pancaked by an oncoming train, as the assholes can’t open the door, and like with the first one, I honestly have no fucking clue how the old guy got this fucking tape. Apparently the DVD has an alternate ending where they survive, but who the fuck wants to see that?

After that, it’s just the title and five minutes of credits over various scenes from the movie, including the initial rape scene. Did I forget to mention that?

In summation, the movie sucked. Not as badly as Parasitic, but still pretty bad. It’s just more proof as to why you shouldn’t trust movies that are hyped up like this shit; it’s never as good as you think it’s gonna be. But if you’re into gore effects, or if what I just described interests you, well knock yourself the fuck out. Don’t blame me if you hate it though.

Oh well, at least I only have one more of these fucking things to go before it’s back to regular old shitty movies. Toodles.