Man, it has been fucking FOREVER since Zaborgar, huh? I guess I should get back to reviews, since I’m not otherwise occupied by gainful employment. So, to get back into the swing of things, we’ve got Super Hybrid. That’s a helpful title, isn’t it? It tells us SO much about the movie. So what is this movie about? A killer Cyborg? An alien-human hybrid? Some genetic chimera?

Nope.

It’s about a goddamn car.

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I don’t normally do this, but here’s the Japanese cover as well, because it is much more awesome.

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Anyways, yes, this is another killer car movie. Hooray. These things usually follow an evil car that runs people down, because that’s what cars can do; there’ll never be a movie about a car that rapes-

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I would also say that no one would ever make a movie about a car that eats people, but guess what, that’s exactly what they fucking did.

The movie starts off on the wrong foot with an almost unbearably long tracking shot of Chicago traffic at night, slowly zooming in on our killer car, a nondescript black sedan, as it weaves in and out of traffic. As the car pulls into an alleyway for a snack we see a generic swirly red POV shot (complete with heartbeat) through its windshield, which, as we’ll see in a bit, doesn’t make sense. Actually, a lot of things in this movie don’t make sense. But I’m stalling.

Anyways, it sees a couple of drunk douchenozzles stagger out of a bar, so it tails them. The drunks probably wouldn’t have even noticed it, had it not decided to shapeshift right behind them, making a sort of squelchy sucking noise. Turning around, they see a red sports car, which they decide it would be a good idea to steal. They soon find that they can’t get out, as the handles have disappeared from the doors, and naturally, they get eaten by the tinted windows.

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It drives off in search of more unwitting (or to be more precise, witless) prey, but since it drives like it’s in goddamn Liberty City, it crashes into some poor schmuck, killing him, and wrecking itself in the process.

After it gets dropped off at the garage where we’ll be spending most of this train wreck, we’re introduced to our bland protagonist Tilda, played by one Shannon Beckner, in case you care (you don’t), who is in her underwear, because hey, what’s a horror movie without pointless fanservice? She’s off to work, so she says bye to her useless tool of a boyfriend who I wouldn’t have mentioned if he didn’t show up again. Protagonist’s inner conflict over staying with the douche is a running thing in the movie, not that you’ll care.

So she arrives at work, which is coincidentally the same garage where the Badmobile got dropped off, and her boss is Oded Fehr. He’s an asshole. What else is new. By the time she gets there, the carbeast has already offed one of the mechanics at the garage, but no one notices for a while. Oddly enough, it doesn’t eat him, it just rams him into a shaft full of water, which doesn’t really make sense, but hey, at least it’s acting like a car.

Tilda’s first chore at work is trying to figure out exactly what the carbeast is, as it doesn’t match any known make or model, because of course Tilda knows fucking everything about cars. She notices three things about it: one, it’s not made of metal or fiberglass, two, it just seems off in some imperceptible way, and oh yeah, three, IT’S GOT A GODDAMN HEARTBEAT. They’re all pretty nonchalant about this though, and go to get a rig to tow the carbeast.

Meanwhile, this obviously stoned Shaggy-esque fuckwit is out searching for the dead mechanic, obviously not knowing he’s dead, when he gets nommed. Tilda just happens to be there when it happens, and tries to save Shaggy. She fails.

In a rather elegant cut, mind the sarcasm, we go from Tilda screaming for help, to Oded Fehr ripping her a new asshole for saying that haggy (and presumably the dead fucker)were eaten by a car, and wow, I never really thought I’d ever have to use that particular phrase. “Eaten by a car.” Fuck this movie is stupid.

Naturally Oded Fehr thinks she’s crazy, which is an entirely reasonable response. This isn’t helped when one of her coworkers(the fat fuck who asked her to ID the car) brings up a previous mental breakdown. Tilda just looks on, hurt, as she does her best to look like Elijah Wood.

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Unfortunately, she gets proven right when the car, which had driven off earlier after eating the hippie, scuttles on back in a different form, sans doorhandles, and after hearing its heartbeat, Oded Fehr decides it would be a good idea to pry open its hood with a crowbar. As you may have guessed, this is the exact opposite of a good idea.

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After it chases them down, shrieking like a banshee with strep throat, Tilda’s nephew (who also works at the garage), gives us the closest thing to an explanation this movie gives us to what this thing is. Are you ready? Brace yourselves- according to nephew, it’s a mimic octopus. He thinks it’s a natural terrestrial predator, using cars as camouflage while it hunts. Granted, that is what it does, and sure it has tentacles, but I call bullshit. I’m sorry, but there is no way this thing could ever be a natural, earthbound organism. I mean this fucking thing is able to perfectly mimic the interior and exterior of any goddamn vehicle it wants, and we’re supposed to believe this is an ordinary animal? No way. Then again, this shithead also said it looked insectoid, so take anything he says with a grain of salt. Now, if they hadn’t given us any explanation at all, I would have been fine, but this is the explanation they choose to stick to.

While Oded Fehr and they others try to catch the carbeast, and turn it in for money, Tilda is sent to keep an eye on the thing. While doing so, she finds Shaggy’s crucifix in a pile of what, up till now I had been assuming was its blood, and tries to get the garage’s secretary to call the cops. Said secretary is an a braindead, obnoxious twat, and doesn’t take her seriously. It’s a moot point anyways, as Oded Fehr has already gone ahead and told the secretary that Tilda is nuts.

Secretary Bitch continues to be stupid and useless, even as the carbeast attempts to kill her, wrecking the garage’s office in the process. In the chase that ensues, the carbeast ends up crashing into a a fusebox, electrocuting both the fatass and itself. The carbeast survives… but fatass does not. Shame, really, he was probably the most likable character in the movie.

This ends up knocking out the power, and since Oded Fehr had the emergency doors welded shut to keep out junkies,and the key to the main door is lost, these assholes are now trapped in the garage, with nothing but the emergency lights, with a murderous, hungry car monster.

So, for the next half hour, the trapped rats spend their time trying to kill the sumbitch using the elevator trap they were setting up from the start (with the added twist of spikes added to the bottom), and just generally wasting time. While doing so, they find the dead mechanic’s body, which freaks Tilda out more than watching Shaggy get eaten

It is during this time that we finally get to see the carbeast transform on camera… and it’s okay. The CGI is passable on its own, but the transformation makes the creature’s already ambiguous anatomy even less clear, and the transition between the computer-generated model and the prop car is handled… okay, I guess. It isn’t spectacular, but it isn’t completely atrocious. It does leave me with one question though: during the transformation, we see that the car frame is comprised of the creature’s tentacles holding this slimy membrane in place. It transforms into a car with a tarp over it, and said tarp comes off, revealing a yellow Camaro-ish car with  black stripes on it(gee, I wonder where they got that idea?). Umm, how? Logically, the tarp should have been a part of its structure, so how would it come off so easily? Sure it makes this sort of organic squelching noise as it comes off, but still, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

As they put the finishing touches on the trap, Tilda goes to distract the carbeast, and just before it flattens and/or eats her, nephew comes in on a motorcycle and hits it with a Molotov cocktail. They drive off, carbeast in hot pursuit, and Secretary Bitch dies when she tries to toss a Molotov at the thing only to have it rebound and hit her. On fire, she runs around like an idiot, and ends up plummeting on to one of the spikes in the trap. Wait, what? Whatever, I’m all torn up because this character was so compelling, and we got to know her so well.

The nephew ends up dying when he gets into the SUV that Tilda had parked in front of the shaft, only Tilda hadn’t parked it there. Tilda herself didn’t realize it until she shined her flashlight on the actual SUV, and I’m left wondering, not for the first time, how fucking stupid are these people!? How did it sneak upon them, when they had been standing right there!? It’s a police SUV! It’s kind of hard to miss!

Anyways, after Tilda regains her composure, she and Oded Fehr trap and kill the beast, finally giving us a look at its true form, which is kind of, uhhh…

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So the thing is dead, they’re alive, and Oded Fehr proves just how much of a dickcheese he is by revealing that he had a spare key in his pocket the whole time, and mentioning that since everyone else is dead, they can split the money 60/40, with him getting the bigger share, of course. Tilda’s shithead boyfriend shows up, being a stupid tool the whole time, and promptly gets told to shove it. The film ends as a pack of growling cars, implied to be more carbeasts, drive by Tilda and corner Oded Fehr in the garage, end movie, roll credits.

This was another weak one. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as Parasitic, but it was still pretty shitty. The CGI was okay, if a bit cheap looking. It was an interesting take on the whole “killer car” subgenre, but interesting isn’t enough to carry the movie.  For one thing, the explanation they give for the creature, implied to be correct but not confirmed, is extremely weak; this is one of those cases where no explanation at all would be better than the one they gave us. Another problem is the acting; almost everyone in the film is boring and/or unlikeable, with Oded Fehr being the only one to turn in a passable performance, but said performance was so prickish that he might as well not have. Bottom line? Avoid this movie, if you can.