OH GOD WHY DID I WATCH AREA 407

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that this is late.

I’m sorry that I’m not all that funny.

I’m just so, so sorry.

I take it back. I take it ALL back. I thought V/H/S was bad. I thought Monster was bad. But this? This movie… this goddamn movie…

This is Area 407, and it takes terrible to a whole new level. I know you don’t know who I am, and I know you probably don’t care what I have to say, but I’m begging you, please, whatever you do, just don’t watch this fucking movie. I actually feel dead inside for watching it. Well, more dead inside than I already was, and that’s saying something.

Fittingly enough, this movie is about a plane crash, seeing how low watching it has left me. After seeing something like this, I have to ask… why?  Why do I do this to myself? Why do I force myself to watch terrible movies, day in and day out? It’s not like there aren’t good ones available. And it’s not like anyone gives a shit; in the end, I’m basically just whining to thin air.

I’m sorry; I’ll try to keep myself under control.

We open with two teenage girls on a plane headed home on New Year’s Eve, and this where the hate begins to fester. Their names aren’t important, because by the five minute mark you WILL be waiting for something to eat them. Alive.  But, like in any torture worth its salt, death is slow to come, making the agony all the more unbearable. One of them, the one doing the filming, just won’t stop, despite getting dirty looks and making people uncomfortable. What’s worse, she simply will. Not . Shut. The. FUCK. UP.Image

We’re soon introduced to a jaded war photographer who just wants to get away from the violence, and the woman sitting next to him, and OH GOD I’M ONLY TEN MINUTES INTO THIS THING, SOMEONE HELP ME…

Ahem.

Sorry about that.

Anyways, due to jokingly trying to get our intrepid cameratwat to shut up, and (sadly) jokingly threating to break her legs and arms, Mr. Photographer the closest thing to a favorite character I have in this movie.

In a shot that lasts an unbearably long time, the soulless automatons masquerading as people ring in the New Year, just before everything goes to hell. There is some solace in knowing that many of them died quickly in the crash, but we are not so lucky, because the Amazing Dumbass Sisters are still alive, with the more annoying of the two having injured her arm in the crash, leaving her sister to film the unending horror that is this movie. Despite, or perhaps for the fact that her own head is gushing blood, another flesh puppet, possibly the woman who was sitting next the photographer, seems intent on getting the girl medical attention. As Photographer man makes the twat a tourniquet with his own belt, you can clearly see that one extra in the background has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing, a thing that would make me laugh, in a less awful movie.Image

After the flesh mannequin portraying the stewardess tells him what his lines are, he storms of to find his wife, and hopefully find civilization. Suddenly it’s been forty-five minutes, and the people who left, haven’t come back. What’s worse, the writers have no originality, and, as painfully cliché as it is, no one’s phone has any signal.

At this point I should admit I was sort of lying when I said that the movie is about a plane crash; no this movie is actually about the assholes survivors of said crash being stalked by a government experiment.

They spend the next eternity singing goddamn kumbaya around a campfire, by which I of course mean that they shriek obnoxiously at each other, until they hear what is obviously a man screaming in pain, but are too dumb to recognize this fact at first. After everyone but this contrarian fat fuck come to the consensus that the screamer is in fact “human”, they then ignore the clearly audible roaring, and ask the man who is clearly being rent limb from limb, to come to them.

It turns out that the screamer was the asshole who left earlier found the dead bodies of his wife and everyone else, and that “something big”  is out there. In a sterling example of how wonderful these “people” are, Fat Fuck asks the guy, who just found his wife’s mangled corpse, if he found any food. He then spectacularly fails to see why this pisses anyone off.

They go back into the plane for supplies, Fat Fuck acts stupid some more, and oh yeah, the monster was on the plane, and attacks the stewardess. Oh well. The woman next to the photographer turns out to be an Air Marshall, and pulls her gun on the thing, which she later helpfully describes as being “big.”

After we get this startling revelation, the still unseen monster attacks the plane again, causing everyone to run to a nearby abandoned cabin for cover. Gee, I do hope that building up suspense like this until the monster’s reveal is worth it, and that the monster doesn’t look stupid at all.

As it turns out, the monster of the week is actually a pack of shitty looking raptors, but since this is apparently a parallel universe where Jurassic Park doesn’t exist, everyone is too stupid to realize this.Image

So they find some military equipment in the cabin, which is to say, flashlights and a radio, which is exactly what you need when besieged by raptors, and call for help as a jeep drives up, and they start signaling for help like jackasses. A soldier gets out, and drives off either in fear of the raptors, or to let daring jackasses die, and I know that the eeeeeeeeviiiiil military is supposed to be the bad guy in this, but really, ‘m honestly hoping it’s the latter option.

In the chaos that follows, the only competent members of our little adventure party get picked off, leaving only the Intrepid Sisters and Fat Fuck, who skedaddles, only to come back a moment later to help up the younger, twattier one who has fallen, and she can’t get up.

Eventually, they reunite with Photographer and Air Marshall, and we find out that the other guy is dead, and this is terribly devastating, given all the character development he got.

Our merry band of jackasses wanders into an abandoned military base, which they seem to think is a town, and despite her bleeding arm and injured ankle, Twatty the Younger charges ahead, screaming hello like an idiot, and God DAMN do I hate this movie. Oh well, it’s almost over.

After going into another cabin and finding a radio, they manage to get in touch with someone who tells them that if they want to be rescued, their only hope is to go back to the wreckage, find the emergency flare gun and fire it into the sky so they can be found, while BEING CHASED BY FUCKING RAPTORS. Meanwhile, he closest thing they’ve got to a map is a functionally retarded thirteen-year-old navigating by what she thinks is the North Star.Image

Along the road to the plane, Photographer gets sick and horks up a bunch of eggs, revealing himself as a replicant and… no, sorry, my bad. Apparently these are SPESHUL raptors that can inject you with eggs by biting you. I especially like how said eggs wound up in his gut despite the fact that he was bitten on his leg.

Eventually the idiots find the jeep from earlier, and commandeer it, only to be stopped by raptors. Photographer, deciding that he’s boned anyway, decides to lead the lizards away, but much like everyone else in this movie, comes back just in time for Twatty the Elder to run over Air Marshall with the jeep.

After they get back to the plane and Photographer fires off a flare, he predictably gets nommed, and since I forgot about Fat Fuck getting killed earlier, this means The Twatty Twins are on their own, and with less than ten minutes left in a found footage movie, are most likely going to die. So it’s not all bad I suppose.

It looks like I’m wrong as they manage to survive till morning when  a guy driving down the road to a secret military base – seriously, did that not raise any red flags for these two- picks them up, and after making sure they’re the only survivors, shoots them, and reveals he’s a big bad military man, and that them being dead means everything is code green. Unfortunately for him-and the audience- karma is paying attention, and sends a raptor to eat him. Yaaaayyyyyyyyy.

And with that, this clusterfuck is finally over. No more found footage movies for me, not for a while anyway. I know this one didn’t seem too bad, the way I described it, but trust me, it was worse. It was terrible. It was just so… just so…

Fuck, I can’t take it anymore. I need a break from shitty movies, so next time, we’re taking a movie that isn’t bad, per se, but it is really, really goddamn weird.Image

Tune in Wednesday for a… CHANGE… in our usual fare.

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PARASITIC, OR STUPID ASSHOLES DYING HORRIBLY DUE TO A COMBINATION OF SPACE PARASITES AND THEMSELVES BEING STUPID, STUPID ASSHOLES

Alright, let’s start this blog off right, with a recent shitty movie: Parasitic. First off: do not pay to see this movie. I’m still trying to get Netflix to reimburse me for inflicting this on me. I don’t care if you see it lying in a clearance bin for a dollar at your local Fuckington’s, tantalizing you with its false promise of a shark-jawed grey woman with tentacles coming out of her ear.Image

Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Hell, I don’t even think she’s in this movie at all. It’s hard to tell though, as the main “characters” (and I do use the term loosely) are so bland and uninteresting that they’re essentially a formless, shapeless mass of human garbage, which incidentally would make for a MUCH better movie. And do note that I don’t use the word “protagonists” at any time while discussing this alleged movie, as the connotations of said word paint them in an almost positive light, which simply won’t do for these irredeemable assholes; but I digress. As boring and forgettable as the characters are( I literally cannot remember their names, nor do I give enough of a fuck to watch again and find out, because this movie hurts me), I’ll try to lay them out for you here. We’ve got the bitchtacular slutty one; the-slightly-less-bitchy-but-still-slutty one; the one who isn’t really a slut at all, but is still rather bitchy; two ambiguously gay black security guards who are really trying far too hard when they talk about wanting to fuck women; a douchey hipster; a fat lazy pigfucker who spouts off obnoxious pop culture references; and finally, a horny couple who get knocked off in the middle of getting off. Right, got all that? Good, I can go back to not giving a fuck.

So the movie opens with a shot of a terrible CGI meteor(how original) crashing into a bay, followed by a cut to one week later as a package of fish coated in green slime arrives at a fast-food sushi place. In the only scene in this movie that is grounded in reality, the grungy looking white guy making the sushi drops the fish on the floor, picks it up, and proceeds to use it anyway. You know what, fuck it. That’s where the parasites came from. Not the fucking meteor, like the opening shows, but from a dirty kitchen floor.

I like my interpretation better anyway.

We then cut to a nightclub, where hipster douche has delivered the sushi, which, again, is coated in green slime, to Slutzilla McBitchface, clearly hoping to get in her pants, and getting shot down; I’ll just let you know right now, that’s his entire subplot, trying to get laid, and it ends with him lighting himself on fire in a walk-in freezer(he’s kind of a dumbass). There. Aren’t you glad you were told that? Doesn’t this character just add so much to the plot(what little there is)? Anyways, despite looking at the sushi and seeing the aforementioned GREEN FUCKING SLIME, Slutzilla decides to eat it anyway. We’re then introduced to the rest of the moving standees, and since we already went over which barely animate block of wood was which, I’m going to skip that.

Basically, it’s closing time at the club, and everyone wants to leave, but Slutzilla gets sick from the sushi(big shock; it’s almost as if eating green sushi that isn’t normally green is a bad idea), and as it turns out she’s the manager, and has the only key to the building, so no one can leave. Meanwhile, she’s in the bathroom horking up green slime with blood in it, and not wanting to ruin her pretty clothes, so she takes her top off, which naturally leads to her taking her bra off after a GIANT FUCKING PENIS-WORM explodes out of her throat. Fun fact: she reacts to her throat ballooning up and exploding rather, uh, interestingly, if you know what I mean. I’m going to assume this all is supposed to be titillating, but may I remind you that she is COVERED IN GREEN SLIME AND HAS A PHALLUS-ANNELID IN HER NECK.Image

She then spends the rest of the movie going around topless, using her gulletworm’s spear-tentacles to inject the other assholes with space parasite larvae, at which point this becomes a standard zombie flick, albeit one with an extraordinarily small cast.

Read that last sentence and see if you can see what’s wrong with this movie.

The rest of the movie consists of everyone dying or getting turned, save for Non-Slutty Bitch, because, as I said, they are all a bunch of stupid, egocentric, stupid, horny, lazy, stupid assholes. Did I mention that they’re stupid? Special genius points go to Slightly-Less-Slutty Bitch who goes into the bathroom where Slutzilla was puking earlier. She finds her boss’s clothes in a pile of the bloody slime coating the entire john, and an airvent busted open, and her first thought is that Slutzilla is crawling around the vents, topless and drunk, and this doesn’t bother her in any way. An honorable mention goes to Hipster Douche, who before going all “Come On Baby Light My Fire”, finds some alien slime in the freezer and licks it.

I initially thought that the cast was entirely comprised of amateur porn actors, until I saw during the credits that the actors playing the horny couple having sex in bondage masks are different than the ones playing them at the beginning of the movie. Which I guess would mean that neither on was willing to get naked on camera, if not for the fact that the masked actors had their pants on the whole time.

So the climax is basically the surviving jackasses (I’d say who, but really, does anyone give half a fuck?) barricade themselves in the club’s foyer till morning, when the not-zombies attack. Suddenly Non-Slut, who up till now has been just as stupid and useless as her cohorts, grows a pair, becoming the closest thing this shitpile has to a-ugh- protagonist, and uses a bat to smash away the worm queen in Slutzilla, seemingly killing it and the not-zombies. However, the Queen worm splats out a little maggot thing that scuttles off. We then cut to later in the day, when the owner of the club (actually played by and named after the woman who owns the club they filmed at) comes in and finds the place abandoned, save for a bathroom, with a sink full of bones and viscera; with Non-Slut cowering in the corner, who warns the owner not to look behind her, and she sees this:Image

She then proceeds to piss herself.

Thankfully, the movie ends on a happy note, as the creature prepares to eat the two survivors, with similar events presumably taking place all around town, possibly (and preferably) even the world. After all, any world that spawned these shit-weasels deserves to die.

Now, what did I think of the movie, in the end? Well, to quote the esteemed Harlan Ellison,
“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”

Except in my case, you can replace the word “humans” with “this goddamn fucking movie”. Almost everything about this movie fails on very nearly every level; the only slightly redeeming quality it has is the passable quality of the creature effects, but even that, in and of itself is part of the problem. See, this is director Tim Martin’s first outing at the helm of a movie, having previously worked on the SFX crew for quite a few movies, some of them pretty good; check his IMDB page if you don’t believe me. But sadly, that doesn’t mean he’s any good as a director. Nor, as it turns out, as a writer, as he’s credited for doing that too. And I’ve already commented on how bad the acting is (although to be fair, it’s not Birdemic-level bad, which might have actually helped this movie), but even the best actors will suffer the effects of a shit script. All that aside, the camerawork is shoddy, giving everything a blurry, grainy look, and the audio balance is shit too. We all know that some movies are so bad they’re good- but this sure as shit ain’t one of ‘em.