I’m sorry that this is late.
I’m sorry that I’m not all that funny.
I’m just so, so sorry.
I take it back. I take it ALL back. I thought V/H/S was bad. I thought Monster was bad. But this? This movie… this goddamn movie…
This is Area 407, and it takes terrible to a whole new level. I know you don’t know who I am, and I know you probably don’t care what I have to say, but I’m begging you, please, whatever you do, just don’t watch this fucking movie. I actually feel dead inside for watching it. Well, more dead inside than I already was, and that’s saying something.
Fittingly enough, this movie is about a plane crash, seeing how low watching it has left me. After seeing something like this, I have to ask… why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I force myself to watch terrible movies, day in and day out? It’s not like there aren’t good ones available. And it’s not like anyone gives a shit; in the end, I’m basically just whining to thin air.
I’m sorry; I’ll try to keep myself under control.
We open with two teenage girls on a plane headed home on New Year’s Eve, and this where the hate begins to fester. Their names aren’t important, because by the five minute mark you WILL be waiting for something to eat them. Alive. But, like in any torture worth its salt, death is slow to come, making the agony all the more unbearable. One of them, the one doing the filming, just won’t stop, despite getting dirty looks and making people uncomfortable. What’s worse, she simply will. Not . Shut. The. FUCK. UP.
We’re soon introduced to a jaded war photographer who just wants to get away from the violence, and the woman sitting next to him, and OH GOD I’M ONLY TEN MINUTES INTO THIS THING, SOMEONE HELP ME…
Sorry about that.
Anyways, due to jokingly trying to get our intrepid cameratwat to shut up, and (sadly) jokingly threating to break her legs and arms, Mr. Photographer the closest thing to a favorite character I have in this movie.
In a shot that lasts an unbearably long time, the soulless automatons masquerading as people ring in the New Year, just before everything goes to hell. There is some solace in knowing that many of them died quickly in the crash, but we are not so lucky, because the Amazing Dumbass Sisters are still alive, with the more annoying of the two having injured her arm in the crash, leaving her sister to film the unending horror that is this movie. Despite, or perhaps for the fact that her own head is gushing blood, another flesh puppet, possibly the woman who was sitting next the photographer, seems intent on getting the girl medical attention. As Photographer man makes the twat a tourniquet with his own belt, you can clearly see that one extra in the background has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing, a thing that would make me laugh, in a less awful movie.
After the flesh mannequin portraying the stewardess tells him what his lines are, he storms of to find his wife, and hopefully find civilization. Suddenly it’s been forty-five minutes, and the people who left, haven’t come back. What’s worse, the writers have no originality, and, as painfully cliché as it is, no one’s phone has any signal.
At this point I should admit I was sort of lying when I said that the movie is about a plane crash; no this movie is actually about the assholes survivors of said crash being stalked by a government experiment.
They spend the next eternity singing goddamn kumbaya around a campfire, by which I of course mean that they shriek obnoxiously at each other, until they hear what is obviously a man screaming in pain, but are too dumb to recognize this fact at first. After everyone but this contrarian fat fuck come to the consensus that the screamer is in fact “human”, they then ignore the clearly audible roaring, and ask the man who is clearly being rent limb from limb, to come to them.
It turns out that the screamer was the asshole who left earlier found the dead bodies of his wife and everyone else, and that “something big” is out there. In a sterling example of how wonderful these “people” are, Fat Fuck asks the guy, who just found his wife’s mangled corpse, if he found any food. He then spectacularly fails to see why this pisses anyone off.
They go back into the plane for supplies, Fat Fuck acts stupid some more, and oh yeah, the monster was on the plane, and attacks the stewardess. Oh well. The woman next to the photographer turns out to be an Air Marshall, and pulls her gun on the thing, which she later helpfully describes as being “big.”
After we get this startling revelation, the still unseen monster attacks the plane again, causing everyone to run to a nearby abandoned cabin for cover. Gee, I do hope that building up suspense like this until the monster’s reveal is worth it, and that the monster doesn’t look stupid at all.
As it turns out, the monster of the week is actually a pack of shitty looking raptors, but since this is apparently a parallel universe where Jurassic Park doesn’t exist, everyone is too stupid to realize this.
So they find some military equipment in the cabin, which is to say, flashlights and a radio, which is exactly what you need when besieged by raptors, and call for help as a jeep drives up, and they start signaling for help like jackasses. A soldier gets out, and drives off either in fear of the raptors, or to let daring jackasses die, and I know that the eeeeeeeeviiiiil military is supposed to be the bad guy in this, but really, ‘m honestly hoping it’s the latter option.
In the chaos that follows, the only competent members of our little adventure party get picked off, leaving only the Intrepid Sisters and Fat Fuck, who skedaddles, only to come back a moment later to help up the younger, twattier one who has fallen, and she can’t get up.
Eventually, they reunite with Photographer and Air Marshall, and we find out that the other guy is dead, and this is terribly devastating, given all the character development he got.
Our merry band of jackasses wanders into an abandoned military base, which they seem to think is a town, and despite her bleeding arm and injured ankle, Twatty the Younger charges ahead, screaming hello like an idiot, and God DAMN do I hate this movie. Oh well, it’s almost over.
After going into another cabin and finding a radio, they manage to get in touch with someone who tells them that if they want to be rescued, their only hope is to go back to the wreckage, find the emergency flare gun and fire it into the sky so they can be found, while BEING CHASED BY FUCKING RAPTORS. Meanwhile, he closest thing they’ve got to a map is a functionally retarded thirteen-year-old navigating by what she thinks is the North Star.
Along the road to the plane, Photographer gets sick and horks up a bunch of eggs, revealing himself as a replicant and… no, sorry, my bad. Apparently these are SPESHUL raptors that can inject you with eggs by biting you. I especially like how said eggs wound up in his gut despite the fact that he was bitten on his leg.
Eventually the idiots find the jeep from earlier, and commandeer it, only to be stopped by raptors. Photographer, deciding that he’s boned anyway, decides to lead the lizards away, but much like everyone else in this movie, comes back just in time for Twatty the Elder to run over Air Marshall with the jeep.
After they get back to the plane and Photographer fires off a flare, he predictably gets nommed, and since I forgot about Fat Fuck getting killed earlier, this means The Twatty Twins are on their own, and with less than ten minutes left in a found footage movie, are most likely going to die. So it’s not all bad I suppose.
It looks like I’m wrong as they manage to survive till morning when a guy driving down the road to a secret military base – seriously, did that not raise any red flags for these two- picks them up, and after making sure they’re the only survivors, shoots them, and reveals he’s a big bad military man, and that them being dead means everything is code green. Unfortunately for him-and the audience- karma is paying attention, and sends a raptor to eat him. Yaaaayyyyyyyyy.
And with that, this clusterfuck is finally over. No more found footage movies for me, not for a while anyway. I know this one didn’t seem too bad, the way I described it, but trust me, it was worse. It was terrible. It was just so… just so…
Tune in Wednesday for a… CHANGE… in our usual fare.